Liveblogging New Moon!

[kat_lair]

First, there was Twilight.

Tonight, I shall be scaling the cinematic heights of New Moon, which is being show on TV starting at 8pm, and liveblogging my comments as the undoubtedly complex and sophisticated film unfolds. This will be my first time watching the movie in question and I am also untouched (like Bella) by exposure to the books.

This post will be updated every ad break.

Ready?




So the first thing that occurs to me is New Moon /= Full Moon, which one would presume is of some traditional importance to the werewolf angle here? Does the name actually bear some meaning or did S.Meyer just think it sounded better?

I mean... there's a giant full moon right at the beginning.... I did like the effects there.

What? What is this voice over. Why is Bella running around. Why isn't her blouse buttoned up properly?

Okay, she's seeing dead people now? I mean genuinely dead...

Edward's pale face is still creepy.

Oh I get it, it's a reflection of her own mortality and how she'll grow all old and wrinkled.

Bella's dad's moustache is still awesome.

Lol, lol, camera. But of course her boyfriend won't show up on any of the pictures.

Her "normal" friends are stll boring.

Aaaaaaahahaha Edward and the Cullens are still walking in slo-mo.

Yes, I am thoroughly grossed by the kissing.

Hi Jacob, ahahaha 'hello biceps' also his teeth are really blindingly white. And yet, I still like him better than Edward.

'you give me everything just by breathing' bleurgh

Lol Jasper seems to have loosened up yet.

Edward... envies Romeo for the suicide. Oh god and now he's reciting Shakespeare, dear lordddddddd

Volturi... see, when you bring vampire politics into it, I'm immediately more interested.

And yet I am forced to listen to Edward and Bella dialogue about how much they love each other and how they would die for each other.

Vampire parties are so refined. I was hoping for 'lets initiate you to the clan' orgy

Aahahaha, well the paper cut did it. And well done for throwing Bella into the mirror and getting her even more cut up. Yet Jasper going all blood crazy was the most entertaining thing so far.

Okay so Bella wanting to be changed is going to be a thing for this movie then?

"Bella, do you not understand my feelings for you at all?" Yes Edward, I understand that they are a bit on the creepy style.

Ugh why are there so many orgasm sounds just from kissing? *is disturbed*

***

Wait, wait so vampires do show on photos? I'm so confused.

Dear lord Edward, stop creeping in Bella's room when she's not there. It's tough to explain away those sparkly stains on the bed spread

And then stand innocently on the lawn when she gets home.

Ah so the Cullens are leaving. And don't think Bella is invited.

Seriously, what has the make-up department done to Edward's face. It looks like it's hollowed out wax.

Oh yawn, he's dumping her for her own good. Not only is that cliched beyond belief but in terms of the plot it's way too sudden, there's no groundwork for this 'I don't want you, you're not good for me, I'll never come back' bullshit.

And now she's all lost in the forest... enter the big bad hot wolf? Aaaaaaand there it is. Lol Jacob carrying her with his biceps... On no wait, it's a new character Sam. Or at least I don't remember being introduced to.

Oh god Edward look what you did, you turned Bella into emo goth. I want to just smack her and tell her to 'pull yourself together girl!' It's annoying but it's also really troubling how her whole world just centres around him, like does she not have any ambitions outside being his chew toy.

Right, now she's having flashbacks in the middle of the street.

WHAT? SERIOUSLY WHAT?  ARE YOU FUCKING TELLING ME SHE'S GOING TO PUT HERSELF AT RISK OF BEING RAPED AND MURDERED ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT EDWARD WILL COME AND SAVE HER???

THIS IS NOT A FUCKED UP SCENARIO AT ALL.

ugh, I want to shower now.

Jacob is very pretty, why does he have to cut his hair? And Bella is totally just using him for his mechanic skills and supernatural lifting power. Ahaha oh, he's supposed to be like two years younger than Bella.

'He makes me fell alive, he's healed the hole in the chest'

What is she having nightmares about exactly? I'm very confused about the plot significance of this.

Ahahaha dear god her dad is giving the 'love who you're with' speech.

***

Right, so we're about half-way through the movie and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. Is there an actual plot here, because 'Bella had a birthday and then Edward dumped her' is a plot for an agony aunt letter, not a 2h film.

Lol Sam has "cult" of... cliff-drivers?

Hold on, so is Jacob not a werewolf yet but he'll like become one when Sam and his cult of cliff-driving werewolves get hold of him?

Also fuck of mirage!Edward, let her learn to drive motorcycles if she wants to! Goddammit!

Also, same to you too Jacob. Just get her a fucking helmet, not just FORBID her from ever trying it again.

AAAAHAHAHAHAHA OMG THE SHIRT STRIP. THAT WAS HILARIOUS.

Lol and now Bella is on the most awkward date with two guys at the same time. Okay, look, I'm in TEAM JACOB, pick him Bella, pick him.

Yes, Bella, yes you are being really fucking selfish.

Sudden out of context aggression! Unexpectedly hot skin! Ahahaha oh god JACOB IS COMING INTO HIS WEREWOLF POWERS LOL LOL FOREVERRRRRR.

But why, why did he have to cut his hairrrrr for that? Sad sigh. See, Bella is upset too.

Oh, now he's been initiated into the whole werewolf-vampire war and now he can't be bffs with Bella anymore cos she loves 'em blood suckers?

Sigh. Less interpersonal angst and drama, more supernatural politics please.

***

Right, she's wondering around the woods... for... I don't even know anymore.

But she did find someone. Laurent the dreadlocked vampire. Hold on, is mirage!Edward real? Like since he's actually mind-raping her giving her advice.

Werewolves to the rescue!! Lol lol are they gonna tear Laurent apart?

Ahahaha Jacob your tarzan moves are plenty impressive. And like... is there any actual reason why he comes visiting in just his shorts? Apart for giving teenage girls a chance to ogle at his ripped torso?

Oh ffs, I'm getting really tired of all the guys in Bella's life making decisions for her and not telling her everything she needs to know.


Ahahaha omg the werewolf guy that Bella slapped has really shitty self-control. Like no wonder they have to wonder around the forest in their shorts if a little smack can cause them to change.

Lol how smug is Jacob looking now that the wolf is out the bag.

Right, vaguely interested now in the whole werewolves killing vampires thing. I assume Victoria is not so easy to kill though.

So hey, the good point about this movie is that I haven't had to look at Edward's wax face for most of it.

Lots of slo-mo running and fighting in the forest to the moody music. And Bella is... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, IS SHE GONNA JUMP OFF THE CLIFF JUST TO GET EDWARD RESCUE HER?

AHAHAHAHA UNDERWATER VAMPIRE ATTACK

No wait, what? That was a freaky sequence and also MADE OF STUPID.

***

Snuggling for warmth now.

Okay now Jacob is emoting too.

Oh god are they gonna kiss.... No, because Bella is a numpty.

Oh hey Alice. Lol, 'he wants to be alone'

Stop posturing Jacob, it's not attractive.

GODDAMMIT JACOB JUST CAN'T CATCH A BREAK AND SNOG THE GIRL.

Oooooh he just lied to Edward and now Edward is going KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HER, JUST LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET OH FFS

Hold on, they're going... how are they going to... LOL LOL VIRGIN ATLANTIC FLIES VAMPIRES TOO.

Oh so now Edward is gonna what, kill and pillage, to give the Volturi a reason to kill him? No, not even that, HE'S JUST GONNA SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT, WHAT KIND OF PUNY WEAK ASS THREAT IS THAT?

AHAHAHA NOOOOOOO DON'T SHOW US YOUR SPARKLY CHEST EDWARDDDDDD OH GOD HE'S STRIPPING MY EYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

It's okay, Bella covered his sparkly chest. Oh god but now I have listen to their dialogue again 'but why do you love me, i'm only human wah wah' 'but you're everything to meeeee wah wah'

Oh thank god someone gave Edward a shirt.

Ooooh politics?

***

Lol the Volturi leader whatever his name is, is like a rat.

Oh Bella is 'speshul' I'm so surprised.

Oh Jane's power is 'pain', so many s/m fics I hope. LIke now I don't want to read them, I just hope they exist. Because at least one woman in this saga should have some fun.

Vampire fighting. Yawn. Bella offering up her life for Edward. Yawn.

Lol, it's apparently impossible to say 'immortality' normally. Instead it's all IMMOOOOORHTAAHLITY'

Edward is watching her sleep again.

Sigh. Now they're all both emoting.

They're voting to turn Bella? But it's okay, she'll wait until after the graduation.

Ah confrontation with Jacob. And once more I'm forced to ask WHY WON'T THEY JUST SETTLE THIS WITH A THREESOME?

Aww Jacob the saddest wolf.

OH DEAR GOD, ENDING WITH A PROPOSAL.

***

So to summarise, the plot of this movie, as I understood it, went like this:

Bella: o noes, I'll grow old and then Edward won't give me any more orgasm kisses. But wait, I'll just ask him to turn me into sparkly vampire too!

Edward: no way, I won't destoy your beautiful soul which is my only reason for being

Bella: but I want you to

Edward: haven't you yet learned yet that that's neither here nor there? also, I'm leaving you for your own good

Bella: MY LIFE IS OVER

Jacob: *strips*

Bella: *reconsiders life* well, you have biceps and other rather impressive upper body muscles. also, i'm so used to having someone panting after me, it might as well be you now.

Jacob: I'm a werewolf and hate vampires

Bella: whatever, I'll just throw myself off the cliff

Edward: SHE'S DEAD I MUST MAKE LIKE ROMEO AND SPARKLE UNTIL THE OTHER VAMPS KILL ME.

Bella: oh hell no!

Jacob: *strips* look, at least I'm alive and warm, don't you think...

Bella: Edwardddddddd *flies to Italy*

Edward: *strips* In Italy.

Random vampire politics: *vaguely happen* In Italy.

Bella: see now you have to turn me, I'm speshul and we took a vote and everything

Jacob: oh hell no *last ditch strip*

Bella: nah, gotten used to the cool and sparkly over there

Edward: marry meeeeee!

THE END! ...oh, wait.

Comments

[pushkin666.livejournal.com]

See you doing the live blog means I don't have to watch this film (which is win win), but yay I still know what it's about. Which proves to me why I don't want to watch it :D

[kat-lair.livejournal.com]

Heh yes, that was 2 hours of my life I'll never get back. I'm just... none of the main characters really have any personality that isn't somehow related to how they feel about each other. Like, Bella is almost entirely defined by how much she loves Edward. And Edward is entirely defined by how much he loves Bella. And Jacob is defined by how he loves Bella and hates Edward. Everyone is like a caricature and it's kind of creepy.

[pushkin666.livejournal.com]

I don't think the writing is much better. I caught a glimpse of it once and it was just awful. You can understand though why it appeals to pre-pubescent girls.

[bloodrebel333.livejournal.com]

If I remember correctly the next one has more vampire politics.

Mmmm the shirt strip was hilarious. I saw this one in the theatre, which is the best way of viewing crap like this - laughing at it with the rest of the crowd.

[kat-lair.livejournal.com]

Oh joy! Well, I'll be watching, and probably liveblogging, the next instalment when it's shown on TV.

Funny as it is, I would not have wasted money to go see this at the theatres. But yeah, I literally lolled at the shirt strip, it was hilarious.

[starsystems.livejournal.com]

the shirt strip is my favourite part. xD

[kat-lair.livejournal.com]

It was just so out of nowhere, on the flimsiest excuse. Although after that they pretty much stopped providing a reason for why Jacob was topless all the time.

[planetkiller.livejournal.com]

LOL. To all of it. It"a like you were in my head when I was reading them.

My problem with the Twilight books and movies is that all of the background characters are more interesting than the main three.

Jasper died in the Civil War and as a result freaked out and ate every living thing he came across for a while. So every day is a constant struggle not to give into the dark side. I would read/watch the hell out of that!

And all the background characters have back stories like that. And instead of any of them, we get Blandie Von Blandstein, Sparkly McBoring, and Muscles Flexson. So much potential, and all of it wasted. :(

[kat-lair.livejournal.com]

I honestly spent most of this movie either bored to tears or going 'WTF??'

Everything about Jasper sounds like ingredients for a good romp/angst fest, and yes, I was far more interested in the vampire society building that started to take wobbly shape in the background but unfortunately went nowhere.

Blandie Von Blandstein, Sparkly McBoring, and Muscles Flexson - lolllll