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kat_lair***
I found this via Tumblr but the original post there is flocked so can't link. However, the excerpt is from a real book, Sandra Hill's Rough and Ready. You can find another exerpt via the website, but this one below is... special. Enjoy.
ETA: maybe a hoax but still funny :D
***
Her long hair, still wet from the shower, had been combed down her back in a wet swath. Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower’s water. She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet.
Hilda gasped when she saw a reflection in her bedroom mirror: through the slightly open door, she caught a glimpse of the chiseled abs and square jaw of the mysterious stranger who shared her cabin. She stood and spun around, her breasts swinging heavily with the momentum. She grabbed the door and flung it open, revealing shirtless Torolf (which is seriously his name) quivering with desire in the hallway.
Torolf was ashamed at being caught, but his shame made him even hotter – hotter for sex. He stepped into the room, and his bulging abs accidentally smushed into Hilda’s rich chest.
As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.
“Hilda,” Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. “There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire.”
Hilda had been waiting to hear these words. Her heart was lifted on golden wings and soared toward a radiant sun of perfect joy. She saw herself and Torolf happy together, bathed in the golden light of love. Her snooch got all warm, too.
“Torolf,” Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. “I need you.”
Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently.
Hilda looked at him expectantly.
“Oh, sorry,” she added. “Torolf, I need you – sexually.”
At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge.
Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.
Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and her hands. Her spongy love mountains hurled to and fro with each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.
Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms!
The two lay still for a moment as the stinky scent of lovemaking billowed around the room.
Hilda got out of bed, still shimmering with orgasm. She glowed with contentment, like a cat who ate the cream of the crop.
She walked across the room and picked up her towel, still wet with shower water. “Torolf,” she said softly, “there’s something I have to tell you…”
But her bed was empty.
Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs.
***
I found this via Tumblr but the original post there is flocked so can't link. However, the excerpt is from a real book, Sandra Hill's Rough and Ready. You can find another exerpt via the website, but this one below is... special. Enjoy.
ETA: maybe a hoax but still funny :D
***
Her long hair, still wet from the shower, had been combed down her back in a wet swath. Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower’s water. She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet.
Hilda gasped when she saw a reflection in her bedroom mirror: through the slightly open door, she caught a glimpse of the chiseled abs and square jaw of the mysterious stranger who shared her cabin. She stood and spun around, her breasts swinging heavily with the momentum. She grabbed the door and flung it open, revealing shirtless Torolf (which is seriously his name) quivering with desire in the hallway.
Torolf was ashamed at being caught, but his shame made him even hotter – hotter for sex. He stepped into the room, and his bulging abs accidentally smushed into Hilda’s rich chest.
As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.
“Hilda,” Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. “There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire.”
Hilda had been waiting to hear these words. Her heart was lifted on golden wings and soared toward a radiant sun of perfect joy. She saw herself and Torolf happy together, bathed in the golden light of love. Her snooch got all warm, too.
“Torolf,” Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. “I need you.”
Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently.
Hilda looked at him expectantly.
“Oh, sorry,” she added. “Torolf, I need you – sexually.”
At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge.
Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.
Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and her hands. Her spongy love mountains hurled to and fro with each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.
Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms!
The two lay still for a moment as the stinky scent of lovemaking billowed around the room.
Hilda got out of bed, still shimmering with orgasm. She glowed with contentment, like a cat who ate the cream of the crop.
She walked across the room and picked up her towel, still wet with shower water. “Torolf,” she said softly, “there’s something I have to tell you…”
But her bed was empty.
Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs.
***
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on 2016-01-19 09:48 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2016-01-19 09:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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on 2016-01-19 09:52 pm (UTC)Oh.... I often wonder whether - fic writers are just so much better than anyone else pretty much at writing sex scenes - or do other people prefer these styles?
Anyway - thanks for sharing! This is very - educational - !
<iss you, bb!!
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on 2016-01-19 09:59 pm (UTC)Aww, thanks sweetie. Sorry I've been a rubbish friend lately, work has been kicking my ass. You okay?
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on 2016-01-19 10:44 pm (UTC)Dick Parkinson’s!
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on 2016-01-20 05:11 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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on 2016-01-19 11:09 pm (UTC)Sometimes the sex scenes in fic bore me but they don't usually make me giggle or start worrying about the sanity of the participants. Or their physical configurations. I'm busy writing a sex scene at the moment (if I can get them into the bedroom) and I will try to refrain from the kind of hyperbole here!
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on 2016-01-20 05:16 pm (UTC)I'm sure your sex scene will be like Shakespeare compared to this :D
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on 2016-01-19 11:11 pm (UTC)i got as far as "dick aneurysm" and couldn't continue. just. couldn't.
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on 2016-01-20 05:17 pm (UTC)P.s. welcome back to lj!
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on 2016-01-19 11:14 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2016-01-20 05:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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on 2016-01-19 11:22 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2016-01-20 05:22 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2016-01-19 11:37 pm (UTC)I suspect Torolf, with his undulating abs, has been seriously infected by Ripley’s alien and was waiting with expectation for the creature to burst to freedom from said abs with suitably described blood and gore. Instead they just galloped off into the sunset ...
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on 2016-01-20 05:26 pm (UTC)From what I can tell about the blurb, tee's already time travelling involved so aliens seem entirely plausible...
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on 2016-01-20 12:01 am (UTC)no subject
on 2016-01-20 05:27 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2016-01-20 12:28 am (UTC)I'll just be over here cackling madly for the rest of the night. XDDD
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on 2016-01-20 05:32 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2016-01-20 12:43 am (UTC)Truly astounding.
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on 2016-01-20 05:33 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2016-01-20 03:31 am (UTC)Officially done for the year.
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on 2016-01-20 05:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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on 2016-01-20 06:05 am (UTC)FREEEDOOOOOOMM.
spongy love mountains
When you have to stop to think about what the words mean, it's bad. Seriously, this reminds me of the bad!fic and the sporking comms I ran into ages ago when I was poking around the online fandom.
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on 2016-01-20 06:28 pm (UTC)It is bad, but it may be deliberately bad (a relief?) as Amazon review claims it's a hoax... Tempted to by the book now just to see!
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on 2016-01-20 11:55 am (UTC)no subject
on 2016-01-20 06:26 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2016-01-20 09:38 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2016-01-23 08:07 am (UTC)