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On Gatekeeping in Queer Spaces
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I don't have a lot of energy to engage with these discussions online/fandom spaces when I'm engaging with them a fair bit as part of my work. But two things happened today that have now tipped me over.
1) It was Asexuality Awareness week last week. We made it very clear that Ace and Aro folk are welcome in our LGBTQIA+ Staff Network, engaged with some of the relevant stuff on social media etc. All good and necessary work, especially as we were recently approached by an ace member of staff who said it had taken them two years to gather the courage to ask if we would welcome them. We didn't think we were exclusionary, but very clearly we weren't openly inclusive either so this was a good time to make that clear and good lesson to us. No backlash to us BUT a fuck ton of backlash online, to Stonewall, Pinknews and various activists that ranged from 'ace people don't belong in the community', 'acephobia doesn't exist' and the fucking Safe School Alliance UK (a transphobic organisation) criticising the Girls Guide for supporting Ace Awareness week because of 'safeguarding concerns' and essentially equating discussion of asexuality with children to grooming (link to read that piece of trash article is here but proceed with caution).
2) I, with my fellow researchers, presented at a LGBT conference on a research project. The conversation turned to rainbow lanyards and their value as a visible signal to university students in indicating safe space, diversity etc. Two people, however, pointed out how they were concerned about 'everyone wearing them', like 'I worried about a senior member of the organisation wearing one when they are not one of us' and 'this is ours, I'm feeling possessive about it'.
And...
Just...
Listen, I've got fucking shit ton of work to do now and I need to put the bins out and there are over 50 emails in my inbox and I lost a filling in my tooth BUT NOW I AM ANGRY.
SO.
Fucking...
Who doesn't belong in queer spaces and communities? People who actively seek to harm or discriminate queer people. That's it. That's the only people who should be kept in the rain and outside the queer umbrella.
Apart for that, there is no benefit to gatekeeping. NO BENEFIT. Everyone else is welcome. There should be no credential checks of being queer enough or meeting this label or that. How would you police that? AND FOR A FUCKING LANYARD. 'I'm sorry sir, unless you produce a picture of you sucking face with another male-identified human or a 3,000 word reflective essay on your gender dysphoria, you cannot buy this here rainbow lanyard/t-shirt/mug. You see, they are only for the REAL QUEERS. Oh, oh you are saying you don't even want to suck face with anyone? Well by god, EVEN WORSE.'
JESUS WEPT.
You want to paint your whole body rainbow, you want to join the LGBTQIA+ staff network mailing list, you want come to every drag roller derby disco night, then YOU. ARE. WELCOME. As long as you are not a dick and are willing to listen and learn (essential human being characteristics) then fucking take a seat.
'They're not one of us' WHAT FUCKING BULLSHIT.
1) Identities are often very fluid and people can question those at any point of their lifespan. Like good for you if you think you got it figured out at 15 but that probably puts you in a minority and also, let's talk again when you're 55 and see how that cookie has crumbled. Are you prepared to turn away someone who may not really know how they identify or who, for whatever reasons (including 'don't feel like it', no one owes you a confessional about themselves) isn't prepared to label or 'out' themselves? If yes, then fuck off.
1) Identities are often very fluid and people can question those at any point of their lifespan. Like good for you if you think you got it figured out at 15 but that probably puts you in a minority and also, let's talk again when you're 55 and see how that cookie has crumbled. Are you prepared to turn away someone who may not really know how they identify or who, for whatever reasons (including 'don't feel like it', no one owes you a confessional about themselves) isn't prepared to label or 'out' themselves? If yes, then fuck off.
2) Queer communities can provide safe, accepting spaces to explore one's sexuality and gender-identity. And guess what, doing that is healthy for everyone. Including those who are cis, or those who are heterosexual. There is value in normalising fluidity, and questioning gender norms and the norms around sexuality, in taking yourself out of the box, joyously, freely. To use a very simplistic example: wouldn't the world be much better if straight cis men could just wear dresses and heels cos they wanted to and it made them feel good? If straight cis women wouldn't feel pressured to be nurturing and idk, shave their legs or whatever arbitrary female beauty standards are in fashion, unless they genuinely wanted to. Isn't that the goal, to be yourself?
</end rant>
P.S. If anyone is thinking about starting the 'but queer is a slur actually' bleating then they can go and educate themselves elsewhere, that's a whole another rant I don't have energy for now. Need to go put the bins out, didn't I say.
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As one of those probably-asexual, not-sure-how-to-identify, scared-to-be-found-not-queer-enough people, THANK YOU for the rant.
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This is an area of contention I will never, ever, ever understand. There shouldn't be any tests required for basic decency in how we all treat each other.
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Also, we really need to call out this use of "protect the children" as a fucking dogwhistle for any and every form of intolerance. It is especially prevelant in relation to gender and sexuality, and frankly, safeguarding children and adults is hard and thankless enough without having to wade through all this bullshit first. See this? This my 'Imma smack some fucker' face.
On the queer inclusive spaces though... I think people don't realise how damaging that attitude is. Because, you know, if they're not one of you, then you're not one of them either and, well, that makes you the outsider. And if you're the outsider, then groups like SSAUK get to use you as the 'problem' in their intolerance rhetoric. Please don't load the gun and give it to the bigots. Their behaviour is not your responsibility, but don't fucking make it easy for them.
It is hard though, because queer spaces don't by default feel non-queer welcoming. Like, even if they are, it seems intrusive to venture into that space that isn't yours (especially because if you're cis-het all of the other spaces often are yours by default). But then, explicitly being open to cis-het people - who are the privileged, and by extension, powerful groups here - could make it feel like a non-safe space for some queer people. I don't know how you effectively bridge that gap in an inclusive way for both sides. And I kinda feel like there's a responsibility for cis-het people to do this, to make their spaces (i.e. all spaces) queer inclusive and fuck the bigots, but getting the drive to do that is challenging, because people don't realise how their spaces might be less inclusive than they thought (see, for example, "we're not like America; there's no racism in Britain"...)
Tired and relatively incoherent thoughts. I'll shut up now :)
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My take on this is that there is usually a reason people want to enter queer spaces, or even display queer symbols etc. And maybe sometimes it's 'well that's cool' but mostly it is, at the very least, about showing support, and wanting to learn how to be a better supporter. Sometimes it's because those spaces feel more like them for whatever reason, including the 'maybe i'm x, or y, just not sure but...' And anyone who enters those spaces with malicious intentions will get found out pretty quickly and then kicked out, provided the group itself is diverse enough to have maturity and experience to spot that.
Privilege is kind of like having blinkers on.
Equally tired and incoherent reply!
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Thanks for being a good person.
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Thanks, but this feels like such a minimal humanity threshold to reach! <3
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Yeah, who... who gets to decide who is "one of us" and what "us" is? The conglomeration of queer identities occurs as a bulwark against the social violence done by heteronormativity/cisnormativity. It's an alliance. If people need to be there because of the violence done to them or because they WANT TO HELP, they're... to be invited in? I cannot stick would-be revolutionaries whose only interest is in having a private members' club without any concept of how "making friends" is kind of high on the agenda for SURVIVING AS A QUEER.
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It IS and alliance. And for that you need... What's that again... Oh yeah, ALLIES.
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Somehow I feel like I should ashamed on behalf of those assholes, because I identify as a cis-het female in a hetero-normative relationship with kids and all. And then I'm like "Fuck it, I'm not that kind of person." They should be ashamed and not me.
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I hope the bins made it out.
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The bins made it out yes :D
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I wear a "Black Lives Matter" bracelet. It was given to me by a black friend, who later died of Covid. I treasure it, and I have (fortunately) never had anyone tell me I shouldn't wear it because I'm not black.
Sometimes my head wants to explode.
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I'm glad you have something so meaningful to wear to remember your friend.
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